Saturday, October 29, 2011
yes, it is the center of my attention these days. i'm just getting tired of it. hope to soon be writing about something else. this past week has been a series of highs and lows. highs definitely come from being able to complete a task i haven't since the accident, due to lack of mobility or strength. though i'm not to lift, push or pull with my right arm, i am supposed to use it and exercise it. being able to open the car doors with the key fob was a biggie. sounds silly, but it takes both strength and agility to get the thumb in the correct position and push the button. getting my arm behind my back, was another. being able to turn my hand to the appropriate angle to wash my hair. putting in my contacts. combing my own hair. but the biggest accomplishment of the week was going to the grocery store by myself. there are four major drawbacks to this broken arm - separate from the arm itself... one: it has seriously affected my stamina. two: i have difficulty maintaining thoughts and focusing. three: it has seriously affected my confidence. four: my emotions are heightened. so, i'm exhausted after showering and dressing, which takes almost twice as long as pre-break. it takes longer because i'm not left handed and the mobility of my right is not 100%. it also takes longer because often when i go in search of something in another room i can't remember why when i get there. i feel uncertain, unsteady and unsure everywhere outside the house and sometimes inside the house. and then just for fun i cry at the drop of a hat. i'm amazed by how much one little broken bone can affect an entire body. ohhhh... forgot to mention (or did i in a previous post) i've acquired a long lived fall cold, which is definitely affecting my stamina. not fair to lump all of that on the arm, i suppose. anyway the point being this has been a transition week i think. the bone portion of my arm rarely hurts. the muscles, tested by the physical therapy, aren't very happy, but what are you gonna do? the cold is easing somewhat and everyday there is some new level of mobility that returns. so anyway back to the grocery store... my favorite store is enormous and fully healthy it can wear you out to make it through the hour of walking/shopping, lifting, planning. since the accident i've either not done the shopping or gone with my husband or son. this week i went on my own. i forced myself to do it because i found myself feeling afraid, not just reluctant. i don't want this broken arm to become a negative defining moment in my life, so force myself i did. and it was good. other than lifting the dog food off the shelf into the cart, i managed to get all the goodies into the cart. the best part was i figured out how to successfully maneuver all the items from the cart into the back of the car. woo hoo. i wrapped my left arm around the 32 lb. bag of dog food like i was scooping up a toddler and transferred it to the car like i'd been doing it my whole life. it was a two hands in the air, grinning ear to ear, jumping in the air moment.
Friday, October 21, 2011
I've been learning a lot through this arm situation. Amazing how my temporary small problem has opened my eyes. Mind you, to me, most of this month this arm has not felt small. It's been all consuming at times. Anyway, now that I feel more secure in the recovery process I can see this with a little more perspective. My situation has definitely given me some insight into the strength and stamina of those who deal with physical ailments in a long term or permanent way. I don't claim full understanding, but wow... kudos to you - both patients and caregivers.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I'm nervous. I have little stamina. The past two weeks have been a series of sleeping and waking round the clock. I've been trying to force myself to sleep during 'night' hours. But I rarely sleep longer than 2 hours, usually 1. Then I'm awake for a few minutes or a half hour. Last night set the alarm at 10:22, awake again 11:28, 12:40; 2:10; 4:05; 5:45, 6:40. Not very restful. I wake up tired. Yesterday I was up for 2 hours before needing a nap and today I'm going to work. So I'm a little nervous. Not scared because I work for an amazing lady, but nervous. Just needed to get that out of my system before heading to the shower. Thanks Universe for being my sounding board. Now let's get out there and have a good day!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Part of my spiritual journey is to fully live in the light. What I mean by that is to live out of the shadow of fear. I believe there are only two emotions, love and fear. We call them a lot of other names, and we certainly feel them on a sliding scale, but still there are only two. Either you love or you fear. I've spent more than a little time in the shadows and I'm done with that. This situation I find myself in now, with the broken arm, is causing me to be more in the light. I've been up close and personal with fear these past two weeks and I know I cannot thrive when fear is dominant. How many of you know what your bliss is? I don't. I've never done anything that made me feel as though I were living my fullest, best life. Well perhaps that is too general a statement. I have done things that I know were wonderful, amazing or exactly right. However, I have never felt that I am doing everything I can or everything I want or everything I need to be the best possible me. That is fear talking. That is me filtering my life and accomplishments through what I think other people might think. Does that make sense? Really, I have a pretty great life. Husband I love, boys I love, a home, a job, friends and family, lots of interests, love of learning, willingness to grow... I mean how can you look at that and think, why aren't you more? Should my friends say something like that I would shake them by the shoulders for missing the amazingness of their lives. Someone shake me because I've sort of been missing the amazingness of my life. I let fear of things undone, incomplete, or less than some 'ideal' keep me from living in the light of my life.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
15 days ago I fell and broke my right arm. it has been a whirlwind of pain, doctors, surgery, pain and splints. Not to mention humiliation, shock, embarrassment, fear and worry. There has also been love, support, care, laughter, growth, and love. With surgery behind me I am on the physical therapy train to regain full mobility. its shocking how little movement I had in my wrist after just 12 days. Now the physical therapy is bringing a whole new kind of pain to the whirlwind. This post sounds quite negative and I suppose I feel down. its tough to maintain any kind of elation when your major accomplishment of the day is to unscrew the top of a diet coke bottle - which two days before I could not because I also lost the ability to grip with my right hand. But two days of PT and I am able to grip enough that the lid came off. Did I mention I'm right handed? Yep. between the pain, physical therapy, meds and general discomfort my sleep pattern is totally disrupted, which no doubt accounts for some of the negativity. I am working on it, but every action is slower, more awkward and quite often painful. My creative outlets are gone for now as my arm limits actions. Writing is incredibly painful with my right hand and so slow and illegible with my left as to be more frustrating than beneficial. I have the attention span of a gnat. All of which add up to a less than sunny attitude. Good news is that I've had quite a bit of time to contemplate my life and spiritual journey. Obviously the Universe was trying to get my attention. Well that worked. I am paying attention. I know that I have to get my mental state right before my physical state can ever be right. I realize I've been saying one thing but thinking the opposite. And I also realize that when you know better you do better. I am knowing better and therefore will be doing better. I am going to try knitting today which I think will work as the funky way I knit leaves my right hand fairly stationary. Believe it or not... I am grateful for this situation as it underscored what is important to me and to my happiness. I am also grateful for the growth, the reflection and the love.