Confession: I used to read a lot. When I was younger, I read voraciously. I still love books and check out lots and lots of them from the library. I find myself unable to read most books cover to cover. I am having trouble "getting into them" you see. I read and re-read paragraphs and chapters because I can't retain the details. It's upsetting to me. I love books. They've been my friends and teachers and I miss reading. I've missed it enough to spend time thinking about it and to write this entry.
There are two culprits, I think:
First, I have a lot of chatter inside my head. On any given day, there are a lot of thoughts, arguments, counter arguments, re-enactments, grumblings, solutions, and challenges rattling around in my head. It's terribly distracting. A book has to be really good to win the battle against the chatter.
Second, my household is vibrant and busy. It's a GOOD problem to have, and one which I'm very grateful for. I only bring it up because I realize this also contributes to the difficulty in plugging into a book. There is almost no time when there aren't people up and about in my house. My husband is an early bird. He is habitually up by 6 and often gets up before then. My kids are night owls and it's not unusual for them to be up until 2 or 3 in the morning. I fall in between - I like to be asleep by 11 and awake by 7. Because we are all on varying sleep and work schedules, there is no downtime in this house. At least, no regular downtime.
I don't have the ability to tune people out. Do you? I am sitting here typing this blog, while my youngest is watching a TV show in one room, my oldest is making food in the kitchen and my husband is snoring in the bedroom. I hear it all and can tell you exactly what the TV show is about and can repeat dialogue, even. There is virtually no way I can read a book in this house, most days. aaahhhh. interesting.
Same thing goes for meditating, a practice I began this year as part of the year of light. It's really hard to find any quiet time to meditate, for the exact same reasons as above. I miss meditating, too. I was getting really frustrated with myself because I'd be in the middle of a meditation and get distracted and... yada, yada, yada.
But, it's not like I would choose a different life. I love my noisy, vibrant family. I love their quirkiness and endless variety and wouldn't want to change any of it. I LOVE THIS MAGIC BLOG! I just needed to figure out what had changed to understand it. Now that I do, I feel fine with this change. Books will always be around and when time allows, I'll read them. Until then, I'll just keep plugged into the love and lunacy of my family and forgive the books, and forgive the meditation, and relax. All is Good!