True North

I had an interesting childhood and somewhere along the way I lost touch with my true north, my real self, my happiness. Since I had no idea who I was, I tried being someone else's ideal, someone else's perfect. Perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect sister, perfect employee, perfect friend. Perfection... you can't attain it. Or should I say you can't sustain it. But more importantly why would you want to? To be without flaws? How boring.

I spent quite some time trying to be perfect. More than most, possibly, less than others, certainly, but too long in my opinion. Then, my mom died and everything in my world felt different, looked different. I felt orphaned. Yes, I know how that sounds because when I heard someone else say it many years ago, I thought it too. But it's true. No matter your age when your parent(s) pass you do feel orphaned. In my case, it was only my mom who raised me and it was a crushing loss. I wasn't in tune with myself before she passed and after, the grief was so intense I simply couldn't do anything more than survive.

Thankfully, life continues on even when you can't see or appreciate it.  And then grief relents. It was then I began trying to find me. Well, okay initially I was trying to find my mom - in friends, in strangers, in books, in groups, in activities, in projects, until I was bone weary. As I reached the point of exhaustion, I began to hear the little voice inside telling me that I was okay, that I didn't need this group or this position and I would still be okay. As the extra things began to fall away, a funny thing happened... I did find me, my inner voice, my true north. I am grateful each and every day for journey I'm on. Every day I find happiness and that's pretty good.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.

 Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” ― Robert Frost