Roundabouts

Ever feel like your journey takes a detour? You know, zipping along - singing with the songs in your heart - enjoying the breeze - and suddenly, you don't know what makes you realize it, but you are not where you intended to be. Damn. How did that happen. Did I miss a turn? Was there a warning sign I didn't see?

Well, I'm there. I feel like I'm stuck in a roundabout, without an exit. I know how I got started, but I was on my way to the super highway and how I ever got stuck on this roundabout is a mystery. I believe I'm more than a little ticked. I made a choice to do something that turned into something I didn't expect, which happens. Sometimes it turns out great, sometimes it turns out yukky. I'm caught in the middle of something that is mostly yukky and I must figure out what to do about it. There are aspects of it that are not yukky and that is why I'm struggling so much. I've tried talking about it, to my best and closest, but all that did was make me even sicker of the roundabout. I've tried only saying positive things about the roundabout and pushing away every negative thought, but that was exhausting and ineffective. I've tried putting it a box, so to speak, on the days I'm not required to physically deal with the roundabout. But here's the thing... I'm not gifted at compartmentalizing and it's been going on so long that this ambivalence, this tug of war is beginning to infect the rest of my life. Now, I'm really ticked! So, it's time to get off this roundabout. Now. This minute. I refuse to give my power to the roundabout. I refuse to allow ambivalence to become my life. It's time to begin focusing on what I do want and if that means I lose the good aspects of the roundabout, then so be it. I'm a pretty incredible person. Don't think me conceited because I'm not. Conceited would be if I thought I was more incredible or the most incredible person, which I do not. I simply know my worth and I'm saying in this moment of realization I'm a pretty incredible person and there is just no sense in spending any more days on the roundabout without an exit.

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh